It’s only been a year, but it feels like forever. Maybe because we really ended earlier than our ‘official break up’. Still, it’s hard to remember anything about you now. I don’t know what your voice sounds like anymore. I can barely remember your face or scent. Your smile is faded in my mind and your louder than life laugh is muted. I can’t place any feelings with what memories I can still recall between us. It’s almost as if I can’t really remember our relationship. You would think that after years I’d still be able to remember something… but I can’t.
Most people think that it’s hard for me to open up and commit because I was so hurt about our breakup, but that’s only partially true. I hurt you. I made my choice and left you before you decided we couldn’t be saved and that’s why ‘getting back in the game’ is so hard for me. I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t want the power to hurt someone, who loved me so much, so badly that they could hate me. Like you do.
It’s honestly only when I catch a scintilla of your life that I think of you now. So today, seeing a part of you, I am beginning to understand that I am healing. I was scared that I had lost my chance at love, that you were supposed to be the one for me. By not choosing you and getting broken up with, I would be destined to end up with no one. I know now that isn’t true. I have learned that in order to love another so deeply, you truly have to love yourself first, so that’s what I’ve been working on without even knowing it. I know now that our love was real, but only temporary. You are growing into the person that you were meant to be and I am doing the same, but we were never meant to grow together. I get that now and I am ok because I’m starting to really like me.
“…Maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe… it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future…” I can finally say now that this chapter, your chapter — my longest, most innocent, and first, is closed. I can finally forgive myself and go on.