Confession 25: Another Breath of Fresh Air

It’s only been a year, but it feels like forever.  Maybe because we really ended earlier than our ‘official break up’.  Still, it’s hard to remember anything about you now.  I don’t know what your voice sounds like anymore.  I can barely remember your face or scent.  Your smile is faded in my mind and your louder than life laugh is muted.  I can’t place any feelings with what memories I can still recall between us.  It’s almost as if I can’t really remember our relationship.  You would think that after years I’d still be able to remember something… but I can’t.

Most people think that it’s hard for me to open up and commit because I was so hurt about our breakup, but that’s only partially true.  I hurt you.  I made my choice and left you before you decided we couldn’t be saved and that’s why ‘getting back in the game’ is so hard for me.  I don’t want to go through that again.  I don’t want the power to hurt someone, who loved me so much, so badly that they could hate me.  Like you do.

It’s honestly only when I catch a scintilla of your life that I think of you now.  So today, seeing a part of you, I am beginning to understand that I am healing. I was scared that I had lost my chance at love, that you were supposed to be the one for me. By not choosing you and getting broken up with, I would be destined to end up with no one. I know now that isn’t true.  I have learned that in order to love another so deeply, you truly have to love yourself first, so that’s what I’ve been working on without even knowing it.  I know now that our love was real, but only temporary.  You are growing into the person that you were meant to be and I am doing the same, but we were never meant to grow together.  I get that now and I am ok because I’m starting to really like me.

“…Maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe… it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future…”  I can finally say now that this chapter, your chapter — my longest, most innocent, and first, is closed.  I can finally forgive myself and go on.

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Confession 24: Closure of some sort.

“I’ve tried to move on… I’ve been trying to move on, but I can’t.  I can’t because there is no one in [the city he lives in] that’s like you.  No one is you.”

Well, needless to say that completely caught me off guard.  I had thought for the longest time he had moved on already and actually never thought about me.  I would have never imagined that somehow I am the reason he can’t fully move on.  I definitely felt a mix of emotions. Shock and surprise, obviously.   Then confusion.  Anger because why the hell is he telling me this in the first place when A) this isn’t going to change anything and B) why has it taken him so long to realize that.  Eventually I settled on: closure.  Can that be an emotion?

Yes, I love you and now I know you love me too.  That’s all I ever really wanted needed. Him and I are on the same page for once.  Trying to move on, but still holding on at the same time.  We’ve acknowledged and admitted it to one another so now I can let go.  I can let go because the love that I’ve had is reciprocated and as cliche as it sounds some people are meant to love each other, but not be together.

That’s my ending with him.

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Confession 23: Everything is a lesson.

No matter what happens, there is always something positive that you can take out of every ended relationship.  If it lasted seven years or four months, that other person you connected so deeply with has taught you something.  So what have I learned in my last attempted relationship?

The most important thing I learned was how damaging and unreasonable being so guarded is.  Yes, it is absolutely hard to not be that way after you get your heart broken, but you are limiting yourself to so many things.  I learned, and I keep learning, that you can move on if you want too.  It’s better to give someone a chance and know than to just keep quiet and wonder.  Nothing is really holding you back but yourself.  Of course there is always that risk of you getting hurt again, but there’s an even bigger risk that you’re going to be missing out on something that has the potential to be amazing.

Even if this relationship didn’t go the way that I wanted it too, I’m proud of myself for being able to actually move on. I know now that I’m capable of doing so and when the time is right I’ll find someone again. It’s been said that life begins at the end of your comfort zone.  For most of my teen/adult life, I’ve been confortable with someone else by my side. Even though it’s hard at times and I honestly do get lonely.  I feel like I can start over now and be ok.  I know I’m going to be ok.

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Confession 22: It’s not always so easy.

I’d be lying if I said I haven’t moved on yet, because I have.  I’ve mostly forgotten the details of the relationships that destroyed me and I haven’t cried about anything in awhile.  But clearly today is an exception, since I’m here writing to clear my head… and my tears.

Surprisingly, moving on has heartaches too.  It’s the loneliness that  gets me now.  It’s that feeling of never going to be good enough for anyone that brings tears to my eyes some nights.  It’s strange hiding how you feel.  I never use to do so.  I always used to be so open, wearing my heart on my sleeve for all to see.  Now, I’m guarded.

I will admit, I’ve let my guard down for a few months now.  Giving someone “a chance”, but as things usually go for me, I’m just not what they’re looking for right now.  Of course, in typical me fashion, I admit that I liked this person too late.  And here I am.  Writing a bunch on nonsense to clear my head because it’s a lot easier to handle my emotions this way.

You know, when most people get their heart broken, they pick up the pieces and put it back together making it stronger than before.  That didn’t happen to me.  I had no pieces left of my heart, it was obliterated.  So I started a new, except I replaced my heart with some cold metal wall.  I shut every intimate emotion you can feel for another person out.  I learned to love myself, to accept my flaws, and work on them.  But… I cracked.

So, here I am trying so hard to not let this set back ruin everything that I worked on about myself.  I don’t want to put my walls back up, but this just sucks.  This always seems to happen.  I find myself really getting to like someone and then BAM! Something, that I have no idea what it is or what it could have been, happens and this person no longer feels the same about me.  I don’t want to keep people out.  I don’t want to build my walls up again.  But I really can’t help it right now.


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Confession 21: What happened last night.

When it plays back in my head, I watch the scene like a ghost.  I see her there clinging onto her best friend trying to stifle tears in a crowded bar surrounded by all her friends and I want to punch her.

‘ Stop it.  Stop it right now girl, you’ll regret this in the morning. Can’t you just enjoy the time you have with the people you haven’t seen in so long?’

But she doesn’t stop.  Her watery eyes continue to scan the crowd wondering why that can’t be her?  What did she do?  I want to shake her, to yell, to scream.

‘ Please don’t think that way girl, it’s not going to help you.’

She stops crying and grabs him, pulls him in a corner and tries to talk. Then she breaks.  I can see her so desperately trying to talk about anything.  About everything.  About things that should have been long forgotten long ago buried away in her soul.  I see her getting upset, almost angry when her friend tries to intervene simply because he has, and probably always will have, both their best interests in mind.

Please just walk away girl, please don’t do this. You’ll just embarrass yourself.  Just listen girl.  He’s giving you an out.  Take it. Stop. Leave. LET GO!’

She doesn’t.  Instead, she pathetically pleas for 5 more minutes or 2 more seconds each time this happens.  And it gives it to her.  Every question and every thought are answered with just two words: Long distance.  “Because you’re a homebody, you’d never move.  You’d never move for me.”   And she completely becomes undone, the tears fall and then the truth.  The irrational truth came out of her mouth: “I would have done anything for you, all you had to do was ask me.  All I ever needed from you was to tell me you need me  and I’d go anywhere to be with you.”

“I’m sorry” he says “I suck and you deserve so much better”

I want to shake her, to slap her, to pull her away.  ‘WHY DID YOU SAY THAT?!  What happened to all the excuses you used? Where did your skillful use of words go?  Why are you saying things that you actually mean?!  And you know what? He’s right, and very very drunk. BELIEVE HIM!  He IS sorry.  He DOES suck.  And you sure as hell DO deserve so much better.’  Don’t let his alcohol tainted words break you.

And the conversation continues.  A blur of tears and confessions on her side.  Short answers and apologies from his.  Handshakes and tight hugs.  A brush of the hand, interlocking fingers, and kisses on her cheek. It’s too much for her to handle.  “I can’t do it” she confesses. “I’m sorry” he apologizes once again.  A stolen kiss, one last tight hug and it’s over.

Everyone leaves and she confesses everything to her best friends.  Crying on the street.  Collapsing in the taxi.  Words and tears.  Feelings.  She’s showing her feelings, the skeletons in her closet, the pain in her heart, in her head, in her soul. I want to hug her.  I want to throw my arms around her, to protect her, and make her stop.

Please don’t cry girl.  This isn’t you.  You don’t do this.  You’re stronger than this.  Please don’t cry.

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Confession 20: Revelations at a red light.

It happened about a week ago.  I was coming home from work.  Once you get off the highway, you will pass a series of stoplights before you get to my house.  Typically, I don’t look around at the cars next to me when I’m stopped at a red light, but this particular day, for some reason, as the car pulled up next to me and stopped I looked to my left.  Guess who I see?  Yup, the ex.

The very first thing that runs though my head is “Oh my God, did he see me?!”  I quickly dismissed the thought because if I don’t notice the cars around me, he probably doesn’t notice either.  After my quick glance, I just starred straight ahead and refused to look around.  Once the light turned green, I zoomed off… only to catch yet another red light and have him pull up right next to me again.  This happened three times.  Each time I didn’t acknowledge the fact that I saw him and I’m positive he did the same.  I got home all flustered and confused.  Should I have said hello?  Maybe honk my horn to get his attention?  But what if he didn’t even know it was me.  I’ve admitted I don’t pay attention to the cars next to me, I mean really, maybe he didn’t see me!

But of course he did.  There’s no way you can miss my car, especially if you’re pulling up to it.  It’s bright cheery red, with the symbol of my Alma Mater and my sorority letters plastered on the back window and for seeing my car for so long, I know that he knew it was me.  And of course, when I checked Facebook when I arrived home, he had already posted a status about how perfect/sweet/cute his new girlfriend is and how he is the luckiest guy in the world to have found her.  Coincidence?  Maybe.

Anyway, the point is: That was the first time since our break up that I saw him in person and I was hurt that he could just ignore me like that.  I shouldn’t be hurt at all.  I honestly shouldn’t care. I guess I still can’t get my head around how can someone go from the center of your entire world to a stranger in the car next  to you in a matter of months.  I was doing SO well trying to forget. How does that one Ferris Bueller saying go? “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once and a while, you could miss it.”  Well, maybe sometimes it’s better to stop and look at the path that you are on, to keep your attention and focus ahead because if you look around, you could get dragged back into the past.

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Confession 19: A post about time.

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”  – Rose Kennedy

When I heard this quote (on an episode of Criminal Minds!) I thought Yes… Yes Yes YES!  This couldn’t be more true.  The pain is always going to be there; not a lot to affect daily life as it used too, but enough that certain things and places can conjure up memories that lead to light pangs in the heart.  Time does not heal all wounds, it just makes it easier for us to forget about it.  I’ve realized that this is what is currently happening to me.

I’ve forgotten the exact sound of his voice, his touch, the tiny details of his face and the thing is, I didn’t even realize that it was happening.  Before I would try so hard to keep these things in the back of my head , but I’m just simply starting to forget.  I would be lying if I said I don’t think about him still because I do, it’s just not as much or as frequent.  It doesn’t feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, but there is a strange sense of inner peace within myself knowing that I’m finally starting to really move on.

I’ve realized that I didn’t need to do anything to do so either.  Writing has helped, nights out with friends and family helped, but really the biggest thing to do when you have your heartbroken is to just go on with your life.  The pain will lessen.  The clouds will lift and the sun will shine again. Everyday you breath it’s clear that you’re living your life without that other person.  It really is a powerful thing to know, at least for me.  My world ended the day he left, but my life didn’t.

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Confession 18: Been there. Done that.

Is it bad that every time I see you at a place with her that use to be “ours” it makes me happy knowing that I was the first to explore it with you?  That the reason why you go to that place is because I introduced you to it.  Is it wrong that whenever I see you give her anything that you’ve given to me I get a sense of joy knowing that you gave it to me first?  You’ve sent me a dozen roses before, multiple times over the past 7 years.  You’ve taken me to musicals even though you hate them.  You’ve taken me to all the top notch, 5 star, romantic restaurants.  Are you going over the top, having a whirl-wind romance, to prove to her that you’re over us or am I really just that bitter?


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Confession 17:

Even though I know I have no control over anything.  Sometimes, I can’t help but say this over and over when I see anything about her.  It’s selfish and wrong, but I’m still not that strong.  I’m in repair.

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Confession 16: This was bound to happen.

After the whole graduating from college thing I found myself using Facebook less often. Why?  Well, partly because half the time I was on Facebook in undergrad was so I could avoid doing any type of work, I don’t have that problem anymore, and I just don’t have that much time now a days to sit and scroll through the lives of my friends.  If I want to see someone or round up the gang for a night out it’s done the old fashion way: text messages and phone calls.  No more Facebook events for this girl!  Anyway, point being, a few weeks ago I received a decent amount of text messages from some old high school friends asking me if everything/I was ok.  Assuming something had happened, I checked Facebook since it will always have the latest gossip of any kind.  Lo and behold, I found out why everyone was asking about my well-being.

The dreaded “Your Ex is in a relationship with someone who isn’t you” Facebook post.  Ah, good ole Facebook never lets me down.  Except in this case I guess it kind of did.  I definitely wasn’t prepared to see that.  You might be asking yourself why would being “Facebook Official” matter?  It’s just Facebook!  Saying that you’re in a relationship with someone online doesn’t mean a thing! Yes, it is just Facebook and we can all agree to disagree about the significance of such a silly thing, but after a break up FBO can be upsetting.  It announces to the world that yes, he has found someone so special that he wants to let the world, be it digital or not, know about it and that person is no longer you.  It also means that those who didn’t even know the two of you broke up because you haven’t talked to them in ages, will try and press you for details as to why, which in turn reminds you all over again that the two of you are not together.  It can also shatter whatever shred of hope you had left for some type of miracle reunion.

Now I know that I am probably going a bit overboard with that, but I don’t think actually acknowledging that your ex is with someone new will ever be easy and it won’t be easy to see all their pictures together or see everywhere that they check in together with things like “Dinner with the lovely ____ :)” at places where the two of you used to go. It won’t be easy to occasionally creep on their page and see wall posts about whatever the two of them have done/are doing/are going to do.  Simply put, it will never be easy to see the one you loved be happy with someone who isn’t you and that’s what FBO solidifies for me.

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